dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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