ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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