hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
