I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
