I wish I could teleport
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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