I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I did not marry a roomba.
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