I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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