I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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