Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
