separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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