She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
