you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
