The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
