Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He better not be in your backpack
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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