I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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