My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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