so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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