Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
