That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
