if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
