it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize