apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
