i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
