tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
