just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
