it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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