my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
