kristin has been a bad kristin
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
