It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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