GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
