"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
