Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
