In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
