apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
