Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
