Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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