i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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