My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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