from now on my penis is your penis
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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