Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize