tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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