I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
