dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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