why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
