i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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