You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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