Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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