Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
