Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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