I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
