Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
