i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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