she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
