I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
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