i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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