I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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