Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Why is your signature on my underwear?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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