Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize