Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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