I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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