so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
